TO: Friends and Family
FROM: John
Sunday, June 15th is Phyl’s 5-year Yahrzeit (anniversary of her death) and I thought I’d share a few thoughts. I started writing this while sitting on the deck of a mountain house looking at the majesty of Mt. Rainier, outside of Seattle….
THE REST OF THE ORIGINAL POST IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THS PAGE. RECIPIENTS WERE INVITED TO SHARE THEIR OWN MEMORIES, WHICH ARE RECORDED BELOW.
Phyl’s college roommates installed a memorial bench at her second yahrzeit in the field near our house where Phyl would walk Riley and later take her friends for rides in her golf cart.
In memory, Jakes family and I walked down to the bench in the field by our house. Brian’s and Jeremy’s family were on video. Noah lit the yahrzeit candle, we listened to the mourners kaddish, and then shot off two rockets into the sky (Phyl would have loved this). We shared memories of GG all day.
Later in the week, some of Phyl’s oldest friends met our Jeremy and Sam’s two sons, Lochlan and Amos. Again we walked to the bench to remember Phyl. Lochlan (age 4) loves to hear “GG stories” and we each shared a memory with him and each other.
All week John received email messages in memory which are recorded below….
Beautiful words, John. I miss her too……
Love you both
D.G.
John,
That is just beautiful. 😢I continue to think of Phyl everyday. In fact I recently bought a fuschia plant in honor of her since she always had a hanging one by your mudroom entrance.
Her memory is a blessing.
I.L.
P.S. Congrats to Corey and family
Good to hear from you. What a lovely message full of love and truth. Phyl was one of a kind, a true gem that made the world a better place.
Brewed tea in the pot she gave us for a wedding gift 35 years ago and told the grandkids about her. The 4+ year old said she can visit Gma and Gpa (Helen and Marty). So insightful and spot on. Nice to think of their sprits connecting.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
S.S-N.
I was coming back from a long ride. As I came up Harlow I encountered Phyl in her front yard. She had obviously just been riding.
I stopped to say hello. I told her I had just ridden 10 miles. She said that’s great! I said it looks like you’ve been riding. Where did you go? She said she had ridden up to Brattleboro. She wasn’t bragging. She said it was just good exercise.
After she developed ALS she got a golf cart and would drive across the field and parked where she could see Mt Warner and the distant Berkshires.
After she passed John held a memorial for her at the place she would park her cart. He mowed a path to make it easy for people to walk down. That path is kept up by John and a couple of us neighbors.
Every time I walk my dog down Phyl’s path I like to sit on the memorial bench John put there and think of Phyl. It’s a popular place and is used by many.
Phyl’s path and bench is a fitting remembrance of the beautiful person who was so loved.
M.W.
This is beautiful John. She’d be so proud of the way you’ve navigated your grief over the last 5 years. Building community, taking care of yourself, and being the best Pop! Happy Father’s Day ❤️
S.R.
Phyl was very special. I miss her emails, talking with her, and her very essence. I’m sad that she’s missing family celebrations. She took great pride in them. I smile thinking of her ironing on the carpet in our dorm room, her joy in getting John’s letters, her happiness in talking about her boys, then grandchildren. Phyl lives on in our hearts and memories.
K.W.
Sending love and remembering Phyl from Ed’s beach 🌊🧡
S.B.
It’s so good to hear from you John.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us who love Phyl so much.
Happy Father’s Day to you and all your lovely family.
What a nurturing place to be. Mt Rainier is glorious. ❤️
Much love,
H.A.S.
Thank you for reaching out, John…Hard to believe it’s been five years since Phyl’s passing, in some ways, it feels so much longer that we’ve been without her here physically with us. I think of her often, and miss her tons.
Phyl and I were soulmates in the shopping/decision-making department. Numerous times in the past five years, I found myself in that state of angst as I’ve brought multiple versions of the same item home to check out and labor over choosing just the right one. And each time that I’ve been in this place that can feel a little shameful, I’ve ultimately looked to the sky and addressed my dear friend Phyl, knowing she truly would understand and support me. Such a comfort…
Phyl is definitely still with us in spirit.🙏🏼♥️
Happy Father’s Day, John, and love to all the family,
L.H.
Thank you for sharing! Miss Phyl so much and feel her spirit of love still! Too many fond fun memories to share in one email!
Much love to you and your family!
H.C.
Thanks for the reminder John -and Phyl keeps us in shape here in Shutesbury with fun reminders in the woods! Soon after Phyl departed we were walking around lake Wyola and in one section of the woods water had pooled up but as we hiked up a little knoll and looked back we realized it was in the perfect shape of a mermaid and we all had Phyl fill our hearts🧚♀️♥️she was letting us know that she is with us still on our adventures, hiking, swimming and biking!! I know we sent this picture to you John years ago but I write this because the mermaid pool still comes back now and then with all this wet weather but even when it doesn’t we speak of Phyl memories whenever we pass this spot . So in reference to your writing -Phyl is still so alive in spirit and continues to play with us-
Forever young….
C.K.
John,
Beautiful! I too am reminded of Phyl … as a student at Framingham State is at the library where I study. She manipulates devices and complex supportive equipment and musters a deeply touching slim smile and eye wink after my hello. Beauty abounds this young woman, as memories of Phyl.
Happy Father’s Day!
With love,
R.G.
Thanks John. Her memory is still bright after 5 years. Frequently I am reminded of Phyl, something she said or something we did together. It makes me smile.
G.B.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your beloved soul mate. We all love and miss her with you.
To honor Pyhl’s 5th yarzeit, I was thinking of going to the Cat Stevens concert in Boston, and inviting John. Phyl really loved Cat Stevens music and introduced me to him in college. I believe she and John had a Cat Stevens song playing during their wedding.
BUT, the tickets were $790-2k!!!!! Phyl would not approve!
So, this morning, when rereading John’s words of love and memory, I was also listening to a radio music show in Boston that I listen to every Sunday morning. And, guess what came on the radio! (Listen and look)
Phyl, you are with us! 🥲
V.L.
Hi John, happy Father’s Day, Howard forward it the email you sent to large group, Stuart correct email is se@ptg.co, in the group mailing is listed as sebner1@verizon.net, I think that was Uncle Stanley’s email, I love reading your story, Phyl is always in our heart, in our thoughts, hard to believe it has been 5 years, we miss her, beautiful soul, we will meet again some day I am sure. Congratulations to Corey & Zack and the whole family. The boys just graduated from HS, Brandon joined the Navy and in boot camp now, he signed for 5 years, training and education, Aaron is doing 2 years at FSU and will transfer to Stanley Law in Tampa. Stuart is having a spine procedure on Wednesday and has been home for over a week, pain is debilitating. We have been traveling a lot, well for now we have to stay put for a short time, we have a family trip to Italy in July, hopefully Stu will be much better by then. Love you all
G.E.
Thank you John always for your heart in your words of love inspired by and inspiring Phyl . Feels like she is always often around thankful to continue her nurturing, physical grandmotherly happiness thoughtful and playful ways of blessing you all and everyone with her co- angel crew.today talked with mom about Phyl . Phyl always was and continues to be amazing at carrying around lovelight and gladly bringing love and warmth whenever needed and making any day better.thank you 2 adorable for continuing to say yes to love everyday
J.T.
This is one of my most beautiful love letters I’ve ever read. Thank you for sending and for sharing your reflections…I did think of her today after reading your email this morning: the smile that lit up the whole room and her shared love of Brandi Carlile.
These two phrases really struck me:
“love is stronger than death”
“In some spiritual traditions, people die twice…As long as we Phyl remember…. her spirit will be alive.”
Powerful.
My 65-yr old uncle passed last night from pancreatic cancer (just diagnosed in mid-Feb). When the time is right I will be sharing these with my aunt…
Sending you a hug John!
R.T.
I remember being at
your wedding in Great Neck, and how beautiful and in love you two were. I’m so glad that brief period of insanity was merely a blip. I laugh when I think of the fact that I should have listened to her vis-a-vis my own marriage. There were so many signs that day! Thankfully, I met Troy shortly after that disaster ended, and we have a loving relationship.
I’m so glad you carry Phyl so fully in your heart. I like to think that I have a little piece of her in mine, too. And it sounds as though she was/is really loved by so many people. 🧡
S. C.
Thank you John for these beautiful words. Phyl meant so much to so many.
L.S.
Thanks for writing your thoughts. Phyl is always present in my thoughts and I miss her deeply. I love the fact that you were sitting looking at Mt Rainier when writing this. I do this mountain meditation and Mt Rainier is the mountain I visualize. I will now have Phyl in my minds eye along with the mountain when doing this meditation.
S.W.
Hi, John, and thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories once again. I was cleaning up old contacts in my phone this weekend and came across Phyl’s listing. I smiled to myself as I thought of her. And I just couldn’t delete the entry because that would be permanent.
D.S.
I love what you wrote about Phyl. Over the years we didn’t see each other a lot but there was comfort in know that she was always there. I do miss her tremendously. I can’t believe 5 years has past…
S.E.
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Bunji and I finished the day at the bench….
ORIGIONAL EMAIL
TO: Friends and Family
FROM: John
Sunday, June 15th is Phyl’s 5-year Yahrzeit (anniversary of her death) and I thought I’d share a few thoughts. I started writing this while sitting on the deck of a mountain house looking at the majesty of Mt. Rainier, outside of Seattle.
Our family had come together to celebrate the marriage of my brother Dan’s oldest daughter, Corey and her best friend Zac. The young folks were all off on various adventures and I sat on the deck with the mountain in sight, remembering.
Aldo Leopold wrote in his classic book, A Sand County Almanac, that only a mountain is big and old enough to understand the howl of a dying wolf. Well, I am neither big enough nor have I been around long enough to put Phyl’s death in perspective. But I do know that sharing memories can help heal the wound of loss. So, I thought I’d share a few thoughts on living with grief and joy five years after the death of the one person I knew I could never live without.
I’ve learned a lot in five years. I know today that it is possible to experience joy and pain at the same time. I know that the unimaginable searing pain of loss can be transformed slowly over time into tender memories and a dull ache that never quite goes away. I’ve learned that connection with other people is necessary for a full life, and I’ve done my best to create and sustain connections with people in my local community.
Phyl and I were together for 50 years going back to our first meeting in our high school cafeteria when she was 15 and I was 17 years old. I can still see her sitting next to her best friend who was dating my best friend at the time. Following that meeting, we had 49 good years together and one that was painful, when I hurt the people I loved the most during my early recovery from alcoholism. Phyl called it my period of insanity. I hold deep regrets about that one year and yet it is still part of our 50-year story together.
When we were in college, we wrote to each other almost every day. I was at the University of Rhode Island, and she was at the University of Hartford, 75 miles away. I imagined a golden thread leaving my body, heading west to Hartford where it was connected to her. More recently, when I was on campus at UMass, that thread connected me to her at Harlow Dr. or wherever her day took her. And today, that golden thread still connects me with her. It leaves my body and goes off into the vastness of space, to wherever her spirit might be now. We are still connected.
And the story of our love continues, for me. Yesterday I was walking my dog in the field near our house. There is a long path leading up a hill to an oak tree that Phyl loved. Looking up the path from the bottom of the hill, I could see/imagine Phyl at the top of the hill, waving at me and smiling…. waiting for me.
During most of our 50 years together, we had not been apart for more than 2 weeks when I was traveling for work. And now it’s 5 years of physical but not spiritual separation. I feel her with me. We danced together with my two granddaughters at Corey’s wedding. As it says in the Torah…. love is stronger than death.
In some spiritual traditions, people die twice. Once when they leave their physical body… and once when nobody remembers them any longer. As long as we Phyl remember…. her spirit will be alive.
So today…. on the fifth anniversary of her transition to spirit, I’d ask you to remember Phyllis Ann Zeporah Ebner Gerber.
Please tell someone a story about Phyl or reply to this email if you’d like, to keep her spirit ever present in our lives.
Love to you all…..
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Bunji and I finished the day at the bench….
Changing the Story 